My Reality, My Thoughts


                                                                   My reality, My Thoughts
IG @ktdawnix, also strangely I found a song called Moving On by Menna during my last moment, which was very pleasing and somehow the lyrics hit me pretty hard.

Before you start reading, I failed my first attempt at taking my own life, which was for the text underneath this wall of text.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                   Skip this text if you haven't read under, this text is basically the continuation after my first failed attempt.
This made me think twice, however I realized things just aren't the same anymore.
No matter how much I try, no matter how much I force myself.
No matter how much I want to live, it will never be the same.
I cannot escape the ''darkness''  that I decided on.
I admit, I'm consumed by it.
The moment I made the first attempt, the decision I made, something inside me just broke

I could no longer be ''normal''
I cannot fit in nor do I want to. 
This game called ''real world, life'' can fuck off.
Heck, I don't even remember how happiness felt like, let alone a smile.
Yes, the ''it'' is ''lonely''.
This ''loneliness'' over a long period of time, destroys you. 
By the time I realized, it was too late.
There's not a single shit of me that is left.
I underestimated it.
No, I have people that loves/cares about me.
It's not about that, I'm not talking about that kind of loneliness.
It's not about who you are with, whom you can be with, how many people you surround yourself with, even when people that matters to you the most gives you company.
None of that matters, when nobody understands you. 
That's why you will always feel alone no matter what you do.
This slowly shattered a piece of me throughout the years.
It was just a matter of time before I broke.
Especially now, when I have zero empathy regarding myself.
I have empathy for others.
I feel for others.
I care for others.
Because, I understand.
However, I don't want it back, I don't want to be loved nor cared.
I no longer care about me, let alone feel.

Yes, I even have huge trust issues, I even have trust issues in ''life'' itself.
How can I trust anyone when throughout my whole life, I've been proved otherwise.
The amount of times my trust got broken by what I call ''family'' when I was a child, till I no longer could open my heart again.
The slight happiness or when things went well for me, it would go south the next day.
I knew that, because it always happens, to the point where I even thought I was cursed.
I didn't even want things to go well anymore, because I dread what awaits me after.
It's like you've been given a cake you absolutely love and can't wait to eat it, just to have it smack you in the face.
Because I know, it will happen, this has been proven throughout my whole life, all the time.
This seriously also messed me up.
So, I hide, that way I can't be hurt.
Even throughout my league career, all of the shit that happened there.
I'm not going to go into details, but I will say there's always two sides to the story. 
Well, profit, jealousy, anger and backstabbing is a thing so.
Even my own current fucking physical body is betraying me, how ridiculous is this?
No, it is not due to training/fitness, it already happened beforehand.
But, I know something is severely wrong with my neck/shoulder.
I will definitely suffer for it, the older I become, the worse it gets.
Even when I first attempted to take my own life, I seriously laughed.
Imagine even that, coupled with everything together.
I barely showed you the tip of the mountain, that I had to go through.
I can't help, but think life is playing a joke on me, having fun screwing with me every single opportunity it gets.
I sincerely even think, I am not allowed to be happy.

I'm now a broken mess after everything.
There's not a single piece of me that is left.
That is the honest truth.

I'm sorry to the people that wanted me to be their ''hope'' or continue on.
I rather walk towards the unknown rather than me forcing myself to wander around like a headless chicken.
[Yeah, run away from life]
Tell that to me after you know how it feels like, especially knowing that you are the one ending your life by drowning.
Tell that to me after you really understand ''suicide''.
The fact that I'm so cornered and there are no other options than this. 
I can assure you, it's a completely different world.
Me being ''alive'' means running away for me.
Everything I do, everywhere I go, everything I feel.
Is death.

This is now me wanting to express my thoughts and my view of what I really felt and think.
Shortly said, it's a dive into my mind during my ‘’last moments’’ when I did my first attempt.

Before we begin.
Understand this is my reality and vision, which means it’s neither right or wrong. 
There are no correct or wrong answers. 
I’m not trying to prove you anything. 
This is me sharing my story.
Sharing all my accumulated experience of my entire life.
What I learnt, all my knowledge of ''life''.
Whether you get something out of it, or think I'm crazy and out of my mind.
Whether you agree or disagree, is fine. 
After all I am not you, you are not me.
We do not have the same view nor the same mind.
I personally think if you struggle with depression, skip to the second part and third part.
I think it's worth your time and can be beneficial to you.
If you never understood what someone goes through when they are depressed, or what one goes through when they are, skip to the fourth part. 
That gives you an idea of how it is.

What is life?
What is my purpose?
Why do we live?
This has been bothering me for a while now.
I have always been questioning my existence for years. 
However as much as I would like to believe. 
My conclusion is.
There is no purpose.
There is no reason why you exist. 
You simply exist.
If you cease to exist, it will still continue without you.

Life has no deeper meaning to it.
Life is in fact really simple, it can be as little as eating a meal, living in the moment, hanging out with friends, being happy/sad or acting upon your desires.
What’s important here is your emotions, dreams, goals, values basically feelings. 
Shortly summed up. 
Life is you, and you are life. 
Your purpose lies in your own hands.
The choices you make, and the outcome of that.
Is what creates the future.
You decide how it’s going to turn out with what you were handed with.
Whether it be a shitty hand or a good one. 
It’s your responsibility to make the best out of it.
Either you choose to stay and watch it unfold till the end.
You stop.

You define life.
You define purpose. 
You, yourself decides the meaning of it.

Your origin is meaningless when it comes to life.
It's just like how the journey is more important than the destination. 
The direction is more important than the origin.

So, why did I decide to end my life? 
Why was I cruel enough to extinguish my hopes, dreams and potential future/happiness? 
Was it out of depression? 
No, at first my problems were getting really difficult to handle.
I let depression get the best of me.
I was losing the battle.
I almost let it ruin me.
All I wanted to do was end the suffering.
Run away like a coward.
But no.
I won't accept a death like this, I find that humiliating.
This is not the outcome, I would want for myself.
If I'm ending life, which holds countless possibilities, memories and precious dreams.
It cannot be lighthearted.
Out of respect for people that got life stolen from.
For people that wanted to live, yet were not given the chance.
Out of respect for people that you inflict pain upon.
Out of respect for people you are leaving behind.
Yet, I'm here ''selfishly'' extinguishing life.
Means it has to be within reason, and what I consider as acceptable.
I will depart from the world without any regrets and do so with a smile.
I absolutely refuse to bow down to ''depression''.
I will not go down feeling like a coward.
I am the sole ruler of my reality.
I am its king.
That means I'm not going to be suppressed by some mere insignificant ''depression''.
Never will I give you power.
Never will it break me.
Never will it control me.
Never will it eat me.
Life is what I rule.
I must face my problems head on and overcome it.
I realized, the only person that can help me is myself. 
There is no magic hand that is going to reach out and help you. 
In fact, waiting for someone to help you is not the solution in the long term.
It will come back and haunt you.
Leaning on someone to make it temporarily disappear doesn’t fix it. 
You’re just running away from the problem.
With the passage of time.
It will slowly consume you and rot you away.

In this society and generation, we are taught to reach out and seek help. 
I find that stupid and selfish, you're being led on by the society's standards.
Instead of following your own rules, your own reality. 
You got lost in what is considered as normal, and not what you, yourself are capable of.
''But you need help! 
''It's never good to deal with it alone''  
''We are here to help you''
''Reach out to me, don't suffer in silence''
''You: It always feels better to talk with someone about it''
True, if you're a wimp and can't get your shit together and keep ignoring what's bothering you.
If you cannot even put on your own shoes and walk by yourself.
How do you expect to win your battle?
Know this, you are not obliged to reach out.
First of all.
You were born alone.
And will also depart from this world alone.

What makes you think you can't help yourself?
You are stronger than you think.
Why should your problem become someone else? 
You’re just making it worse by making yourself think that you are completely helpless, incapable of dealing with it yourself and seeking comfort, pity or whatever you're cooking up. 
I tried it.
It does make you feel better temporarily.

However, it’s not something, someone can help you with.
The harsh truth is, you’re miserable and will be even more miserable, that is because you are ignoring it. 
The moment you start to acknowledge that you can’t deal with it alone. 
You give it even more power and make it bigger than it needs to be.
You start a never ending evil cycle with yourself.
It grows heavier and heavier each passing day.
You aren't good enough.
You're wasted space.
You're horrible.
No one cares, I'm a burden.
I just can't deal with everything, life's too hard.
Life isn't worth living.
Everyone would be better off if I'm gone.
You are digging your own grave.
You are letting it eat you.
You gave it control and power.
How do you expect to feel better?
It's like you are setting your own difficulty to insanity and then asking me why is it so hard?
[That's just what you are saying, you don't understand nor will ever anyone understand my pain]
If that's the first thought that comes to your mind after reading this. 

Know this, that's just an excuse that you are giving to yourself.
Excuses sound best to you, after all you're the one who's making it up.
I do understand you. 
I do understand your pain 
I do understand your suffering.
Do you truly think that I, someone who is at death's door never felt what you feel?


Don't get me wrong, it's not wrong to reach out. 
It doesn't make you weak either, reaching out is harder than you think.
There are multiple possibilities and reactions to it.
It can give you the feeling of being understood and no longer ‘’alone’’ on the matter.
Which lets you muster up courage, so you actually start beating it down.
[Doesn’t that help with the problem or solve it then?]
[So, I should reach out?]
That depends on if it works for you, or it won't work at all, maybe even make it worse than where you started at. 
Who knows?
Do what is best for you.

[Then what other option is there?] 
I know this worked for me and I honestly think this is the best course of action.
It is all about the mindset.
If you choose to despair, you will despair.
After all that is what you are telling yourself. 
What you tell yourself, is what will happen. 
How can it change, when you refuse to change?
[What do I do then?]
You have to accept your reality, as much as you want to change it. 
You cannot change what has already happened.
Start taking your own matters into your own hands.
(I know you are probably thinking, then how come you are dead? I will explain it later)
First stand up on your own feet. 
If you want to be happy.
You have to put in the work for it.
Chase after it, like it's the most important thing in the world.
Pave your road to success.
Nobody is going to feed you with a silver spoon. 
Nobody is going to come save you.
Nobody is going to make you happy.
You should be the one making yourself happy.
[Easier said than done] [If I could, I would do it, but I can't]
All I hear is excuses, you are better than that.
Throw away your excuses, you're either weak or strong.
If you're weak, grow stronger.
You have to save yourself.
You have to be your own hero.
You are the only one capable of this.
Be the person that you want to acknowledge and look up to.
Be proud of yourself.

Look at your problems positively don’t let it drag you down.
That is what will shape you and grow you into an amazing person.
That's what makes you stronger. 
Instead of seeing whatever trauma, bad stuff that happened to you in the past. 
Whatever messed up shit you got dealt with.
Thinking it’s unfair.
Why do I have to suffer?
You were already dealt with it, so the best you can do is to make the best out of it.
See it as a positive thing and you’re lucky to experience this.
Don't let the past, ruin your future.
I know it hurts, I know the pain is unimaginable and this follows you throughout your life. 
Days turn into weeks.
Weeks turn into months.
Months turn into years.
You ask why this is considered as a blessing?
Because this is what will create you.
It will shape you. 
A better version of yourself will appear.
You have to learn to carry the ‘’baggage’’ that is making you miserable. 
Start owning it, stop getting thrashed around. 
Grow your back wide enough to carry it yourself. 
Accept your problems. 
Instead of being drowned, start breathing with it. 
Accept that this is what you were dealt with, and take it with you to the next stage.
Start living your life.
Make memories.
Cherish every single moment of what you consider as life.

Don't complain, don't whine.
Don’t go around spitting your shit. 
Desperately thinking that someone will save you.
Thinking it’s going to be okay, all this will pass.
Praying it will magically get better by itself with time. 
I assure you, it will not happen.
The only one that can save you, is yourself. 
Take action.
Climb out of your own shithole.
Why stay in it?
I shit you not, 
If you can carry this ‘’baggage’’ without letting it control your life. 
Anything you set your mind to, you will be successful at it. 
Because you are strong enough to deal with something that is ripping you apart.
It takes extreme willpower and conviction.
Unwavering determination.
Which makes your heart durable.
And, that is what will carry you forward.

You may strongly disagree with me on this and think. 
[What is this guy talking about?]
[Has he completely lost it?]

That is perfectly fine. 
What works for me and what I feel is right, may not be right for you. 
This is what makes everyone different. 
This is what makes everyone unique. 
Everyone has their own thoughts, opinions and views. 
It’s your reality vs mine. 
What you choose to take in and accept is entirely up to you, as this is your world. 
I have no power over you.
Rights over your reality.
That belongs to you and is yours alone.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                                                ''Ignorance is bliss''

If you know someone who is depressed/suicidal, and you wish to help that person.
Never ever tell someone to hang in there, everything will be fine. 
It's all gonna be okay, time will erode it away.
Life gets better.
Why you should keep living life, why life is worth living.
I know you want that person to get better, I know you care, I know you want to help.
You are in fact making it way worse, complete stupidity.
That is something you are only able to say because you are completely ignorant and oblivious to it.
Because you have truly never experienced what it feels like to completely lose all hope, to fall in a complete pit of despair.
Yet you tell them, don't climb out, embrace that feeling so it doesn't go away.

For someone that is truly suffering and is in complete pain, that pain is not something you can ever imagine.
It completely breaks you as a person.
It literally eats you inside, completely devours you.
Till there's nothing left of you, only darkness, despair and loneliness.

You need to experience what it feels like to ever relate.
That complete utter hopelessness is not a joking matter.
This follows you throughout your life, it's not a one episode thing, where everything magically gets better one day and that's it. 
No, it's a continuous cycle that happens throughout year after years. 
It is not ''okay''.
Do your best to ''hang in there''.
You are telling them indirectly to keep suffering, that it is okay to be in pain. 
''The pain will disappear eventually''
''You just gotta be stronger than the pain until then''.
The pain won't disappear, it will never disappear.
This is what makes us think ''no one understands us''.
You throw us into an even further despair when that happens.
You let us know that nobody will ever understand what we are seeing and feeling.
You make us feel completely ''alone'', beyond hopeless. 
Why can no one understand ? Am I truly alone? Are you really not able to understand me?
The weight behind of not being understood, it's a lot heavier than you think.
The person feels even more ''alone'' and you just intensified everything he feels.
Do you truly understand what this does to a person? 
Because if you did, you would never say this.

For you to understand, let's use this metaphor.
You come from heaven, X comes from hell.

You are happy.

You know only bliss and love.
You are truly blessed that you can enjoy such privileges and you want stay in that as long as possible and it only gets better and better.
This is where you've been staying the entire time.

X wants to end it, this endless suffering and torture is absolutely insane. 
Why am I in this rotten place, I want to get out of here as soon as possible. 
I am miserable.
I want this never ending torture to stop.
This is X's reality.

Now you have to confront X and tell how life is.

What do you think the difference is? 
You cannot explain your experience from heaven and tell them that this is how it's going to be for them.
You cannot tell them how it is to live a life at heaven. 
When all they've experienced is hell.
When their whole life means hell.
You live in a completely different world than X.

Know this, it isn't easy to reach out. 
As much as we would like to tell you, we cannot.
You would make the person remind himself of his misery.
You would make the person remind himself of his pain.
You would make the person remind himself of his suffering.
You are making the person talk about what shatters their life.
When all they want is to stop feeling like this, yet you are asking them how are you feeling?.
                                                                      My Answer

At this point you probably are really curious.
[Why did you end your life?]
Shortly summed up. 
I don’t belong here nor did I want a spot among the living. 
My meaning of life, my purpose. 
Is that I want to be the one that looks from a far distance.
Basically, I'm an ''observer'' and that is my wish.
Call me an spectator if that's easier for you to understand.
Not participating in it nor experiencing it.
I’m ending it. 
I don't consider that as depression. 
It is what I really feel, and it always has been what I wanted the most.
I'm staying true to what I feel and acting upon my will.
If I kept going, that means I'm a coward.
That I didn't have the courage to do what I felt.
An empty hollow shell is not the life I want to keep.

I genuinely do not wish to live on, nor be a part of this world. 
I never once have.
So for me to keep living, means I'm going against what I feel and ignoring my true desires.
[Is it because I'm unhappy?]
[Does it change if I'm happy?]
[Can anything change it?]
[Did you lose all hope? That this is your only way out?]
I never lost anything, this is not my way out either, then it would've ended earlier.
''Why then?''
Because I can never truly be happy.
In a world where I refuse to be in, life cannot exist.
Without life, I cannot be alive.
If I'm not alive.
What lays ahead is just a world of fantasy.
A world full of lies and deceptions.
A world that is real, yet not real.
And, I am its tool.

I was curious about what my future held.
That is what drove me and kept me going.
I've spectated myself, the environment and other people around me for 22 years.
I believe I've seen enough, and most of my curiosity has been answered.
I know, there's a lot more I could've experienced.
I know I will miss out on something precious.
I know I haven't reached my potential.
I know I didn't explore absolutely everything I wanted to do in ''life''.
Life is after all, a very long journey.

Anything can happen.
The possibilities and potential are endless.
However, my curiosity isn't piqued enough for it to matter.
Everything has an ending, whether you want it or not. 
Everyone is bound to die one day. 
No one escapes death.
We just do our best to live as much as we can up to that point.
For me, this was my point.
The only difference is.
I decided to close my eyes myself.


Throughout my whole life, I never really was alive.
It’s all made out of fabricated lies and deceptions. 
Just so I can continue surviving. 
I keep lying to myself, so I can feel ''alive''.
I always knew deep inside me, I was different from others.
I can feel that they are truly alive.
They are not acting.
What they are feeling is genuine.
Whereas, I am just a puppet.
I am ''dead''.
I often ask myself.
Who am I? 
I can’t answer it. 
Because that is not me.
That is not who Kenneth Dawnix is.
My behavior and personality is a copy, it always has been. 
It’s a copy of others behavior/personality, of what is acceptable and what is deemed as likable. 

I am a copycat, no matter what I do or say, I know this isn't me communicating. 
It's information from what other people give, which I take in and absorb. 
I'm copying how they act towards me. 
What people are telling me.
What people are talking about. 
What people like to hear.
What people like to see.
Which I automatically process and store. 
Then I decide based on how I read people.
I feed them the information accordingly and based on necessary social situations.
If I like you, I will feed you.
I feed you based on what you want to hear.
I feed you based on what you want to see.
If I lack information.
I will challenge your thoughts, so I can see your reactions and learn from it.

It’s like I have a switch and it turns on automatically depending on the situation on how I need to act and behave, I am then assigned to a role.
Suddenly I’m just an actor where I’m ‘’blending’’ in with my ''script''. 
The masquerade show is now about to begin.
It's time for me to spectate myself and how I act around others.

I feel absolutely disgusted over it, to the point where I feel inhuman.
I want to throw up, it's sickening.
I don’t even know what part of my feelings are real or what is staged anymore. 
Am I unconsciously convincing myself to feel what someone should feel? 
So I don't feel completely out of place? 
Just so I can adapt to survive?
Just so I can tell myself I'm ''normal''.
To prove I'm not abnormal?
Then what part of me is genuine and what is not genuine?
Maybe both are real, and both are a part of me.

The only truth I definitely know.
I reject this entire world.
I reject my existence.
I never wanted to be here.
                                                          Why is this happening?

I never had a home I could return to, or a feeling that I belonged somewhere. 
You know those typical smiles and happiness you see in people sometimes? 
How they are just living their life to the fullest/being immersed in the moment? 
I’m not able to do that.
It's impossible for me. 
It's something that will forever be out of my reach.
Without my ‘’mask’’.
I am nothing. 
I am lifeless.
I know that whenever I try to truly be myself and focus in the present. 
It works.
That ends up in me being dead. 
Nothing in this world interests me. 
I don't appreciate the concept of what life should be.
Because deep inside I know. 
I don’t want to be a part of this. 
I truly never wanted to live in this world. 
I never wanted to be born.
I never wanted to be lucky.
I never wanted to exist.
I never wanted to be alive.
I reject life.
As much as I love and think this world is beautiful.
I also despise it.
I feel it's rotten.
I love humans, however.
I'm also terrified by humans.
The race known as ''Human''.
Scares me.
and I know that will never change.
As I am a human.

The only times where I truly feel alive is when I’m reading light novels/manga/watching anime
Feeling ‘’life’’ in fantasy and kind of ‘’experiencing’’ it. 
The world I want to be in.
The world I desperately wish for. 
But never possible.
Because it isn't real.
That is what life is for me.
What I call ‘’home’’ 
It is where I belong.
It is the only place.
I feel safe.
Yet, out of my hands.
Forever unreachable.

If you still don't understand then let me try to rephrase it.
I exist, yet I don’t exist.
The me when I’m alone, the me when I’m ‘’alive’’.
Both are real, it's just I'm hiding away my dominant one.
I think the me I think as ‘’fake’’ Is what I created to protect myself.
It kept me going, kept me ''alive''. It is my survival mechanism. 
So, I can cope with life and the environment around me.
Call it my guardian, something that took care of me and looked after me.
If it makes more sense it's like I have a split personality where I'm conscious about it.
It's very hard to put this in words.
I can give you one example.
Let's say that you are heartbroken or someone that you know passed away. 
You are truly hurt.
You don't want to show to other people you are hurt especially strangers, now imagine you have to go to work in this state the next day.
You pretend to be okay, so you put up an act where you make people think everything is okay and you are happy.
That is what I have to do my entire life, for me to keep living and for me to keep staying in this world. 
I have to put up an ''act'' and pretend everything is okay.
I have to be in denial knowing that I am in denial.

Life is a gift, it is truly precious.
Yet, it is also a curse.
I did my best to make the most out of it.
I gave it my hardest shot. 
I lived what I was able to live.
I will now act based on my true desires and be my ''true'' self.
That means I have to set myself free.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------                                                                     Eternal sleep
If you still don't understand this decision.
Know that it is not driven by depression nor am I in any sort of pain.
I am not alone nor am I lonely.
I am not struggling nor am I suffering.
It is not caused by feeling I don't belong somewhere/ I didn't have a family.
It's not a feeling, it's that I don't want to.
Family has nothing to say, it is the people I surround myself with that makes life and my environment. 
They can be my ''family'' too. 
I am not blinded by negativity, I see the positive.
I know how great life can be.
I know how amazing and kindhearted people can be.
I know how amazing humans truly can be.
I know that I will miss out on a lot of stuff.
I know that I will miss out on my dreams or whatever I wanted to be or do.
I know that I will miss out on happiness I could've experienced.
I know that I will miss out on so much more precious memories I could make.

But, It's not about how much better my life can be or whoever I am with.
It's about I genuinely and sincerely do not wish to be a part of this nor keep ''living'' in this world. 
[Why do you not change that then?]
[Why don't you turn that mindset into, ''you want to stay in this world, that you wish to be alive]
Do I need to even answer this? Why should I change something I sincerely wish and want?

Now that I’m reaching my end game. 
I recall a memory. 
When I was a kid, at that time I was 8 years old.
I sort of knew my life would be short, and I would be the one ending it.
It was just a matter of time.
Where I say no to life.

Thinking about it. 
That was probably when I was no longer ''alive''.
That explains why I never invested or cared about my future.
Because deep inside me, I knew I wouldn't last that long.
I always knew what I wanted, but were in absolute denial of it.
That's why I kept pretending everything is okay and put up an ''act''.
Well now, it's time for me to wake up.
To truly let everything go.
The feelings I've hid away for years.
It's time for me to stay true to it.

To my younger self, you were right.

                                                                           Kenneth Dawnix

Fun fact, Dawnix was a last name I came up with by myself more than half a year ago. 
Dawn = Beginning.
Nix stands for phoenix which means rebirth/reincarnation.
How ironic..
[Do you see how selfish you are by doing this? You leave behind loved ones and friends inflicting pain upon them]
Well it is an ''selfish'' act, however this sparks a different debate.
Which party is the selfish one?
''The one who ends everything, or those who plead the former to endure their pain and keep going?''
Telling me to keep living like a hollow shell, in a state where I'm neither ''alive'' or dead?
Do you truly think this is an easy decision for me? 
Knowing the pain I will leave behind to people I care about?
Life were forced upon me, I had no consent in this.
You forcefully force me into a contract and now tell me I don't even have the rights to terminate it? 
I kept myself ''alive'' for 22 years, yet you ask me to keep going? 
How much longer do you want me to continue this for?
There's a limit to being unreasonable.
I'm sorry, I believe I did the best I could and made the most out of it. 
It's about time I honor what I really wanted.

[Aren't you afraid?]
Of course, I'm afraid, but this is I want to do.
In fact I'm beyond terrified.
But, I feel relieved at the same time because I'm going down as the true ''me''.
This is not something I decided in a day and ended the next.
No I decided on it, and kept going for some more weeks.
As someone that inflicts pain upon my friends, the least I can do is meet them halfway and make the last memories together.
Yes, I cannot continue no matter what, I refuse to live a coward's life.
If I were to keep going, that means I'm a coward.
I know what I want, yet I cannot act on it.

Because I were scared and didn't have enough courage to do it.
That completely goes against my principles and would completely destroy me.
You would have to have a screw loose, if you do not fear death. 
It is the territory of the unknown.
We as human species, fear that the most.
What happens after this?
That single thought makes me terrified.
After all whether I wanted it or not.
I did exist. 
I did lead a life.
And, it will all be extinguished.
Will everything be forgotten?

As my survival instinct kicks in, as I desperately attempt my last struggle at life.
How cold will it be? 
How painful will it be?
How long will I struggle for?
Will seconds feel like eternity?
Then what about minutes?

What lies after this? 
How dark is it? 
Will I feel peace?
I don't know, all I know is I will never be able to open my eyes again.
I will no longer exist.
I will no longer have any reality.
Memories of my friends.
Memories of my life.
My existence.

I wish that I was never born. 
To my 8-year-old self.
I’m sorry you had to feel like this.
I truly pity you.
That is not something a child, should ever set foot on.

Wow, did you honestly really make it this far? 
I'm dying out of curiosity to know your opinion of me or of what I wrote.
Oh wait, is that how I died? 
Yes, I admit, that was not funny~ 
Is this how it feels to be an author?
Oh well, your feedback is just another wish of mine that will never be granted.
Maybe no one will even read this.
Who knows?

If it does reach someone, I would like to express my gratitude for sticking it out till the end.
I don't know what you think.
This contains my existence, my life, my will, my determination and my last moments.
I poured my heart and gave everything I had in me.
And you were there to listen.
That is enough for me, to owe you a lifetime gratitude and show my earnest respect.

Stranger, thank you for listening.
I wish you the best in life.
Make the best out of what you got, live your life to the fullest.
Make your dreams a reality.
Chase after your passion.
Take action, don't leave room for regrets.
Don't think too much and just live.
Do your best to make yourself happy, without negatively affecting others.
They have their own life, be kind.
Don't be stupidly kind that you get taken advantage of.
That is just you giving yourself self-satisfaction.
Lead a life you respect and look up to.
For that.
Stand up for yourself.
Have some respect for yourself.
This is your life, your world.
Take charge and control it.



If any of my dear friends made it this far, I already sent you a personal message, but still.
I want to thank you again.

Know this, this is my answer.
You cannot change it. 
I'm pretty sure you can understand my resolution and resolve by not just simply ''reading''.
Every single world and sentence is not just a ''text''. 
It contains my feelings, It contains ''me''. It shows you who I am.
It is by no means an easy decision.
To leave you behind.
It pains me, it hurts.
As much as I want to be with you guys, I cannot.
I'm sorry.
Thank you for being alive. 
Thank you for existing.
Thank you for creating the memories together with me.
Thank you for staying with me.
Thank you for caring about me.
Thank you for bonding with me.
Thank you for everything.
If my life really does flash before I die.
I know, I will have a smile on my face.
The reason I will be able to do so. 
Is because of you.
I will always be grateful for the time we spent together.
In this shit hole, you stood out.
You were the only light, I can look back to.
The precious memories and silly stuff we made together, is enough to last me for a lifetime.
It was an amazing and fun ride with you guys.
If there's a chance. 
Let's do it again.
This time I will fully contribute and give everything I have.
I'm blessed to have you guys by my side.
You made my life happier.
Thank you for the friendship.
You guys are what I truly call friends.
Take care of each other, appreciate each other.
After all.
Life is long yet before you know it, it happens in a flash.
Take care.

I don't know what you feel, but I did what was the best for me.
If you feel that you were helpless and should've reached out more.
Don't, it wouldn't change anything.
You cannot ''save'' me.
Saving me means you would have to be the one ending my life.
The only help you could've given me was an easier and less suffering death.
Other than that, you cannot change what I truly want.
If you happen to feel, I should've reached out and spoken to you about it.
So, you could at least try to ''help'' or convince me out of this. 
So, you don't blame/hate yourself for not being able to help at all. 
So, that you don't feel helpless.
I couldn't, I cannot possibly tell you.
''I don't want to live''
Because I know, it's absolutely nothing you can do about it, neither do I want to give you this burden.
If you still feel helpless after all this, then ask yourself is this out of self-satisfication?
I'm telling you this is what I wanted and I didn't come to this conclusion based on one day nor months, it was year after years.

If you happen to grief over me.
I'm sorry for inflicting pain upon you.
I'm sorry I couldn't continue.
I'm sorry for making you feel like this.
I'm sorry for being selfish.
If there is a next life.
Given the chance. 
I will repay the debt I owe you.

Lastly, live on.
Embrace life, there is so much to experience.
Life is long, yet short.
Make tons of precious memories.
You were only given one shot with life.
Live it without regrets.
Make the best out of it.
Lead a happy life.
Live the life I couldn't finish.

If you happen to be lost.
Know that I care about you.
You mattered to me.
It would sadden me to see you sad.
Whatever you're struggling with.
I know you can deal with it.
You're stronger than you think.
You will find yourself again.
Trust yourself.
Time is by your side.

The only secret thing that I ever truly wanted and never admitted in my life is this, and I hope she will never read it or see it. But I don't want to hold back any thoughts or feelings, as I will no longer have any chance left to feel and share my thoughts.

The one that gave me birth and life.
My mother.
I don't hate you.
I don't despise you.
I don't blame you.
There is nothing you could do better.
You raised me the best way you could in your own way.
It was hard on you.
You were suffering.
You didn't know what you were doing.
You had to shoulder everything alone.
And that made you despair.
I accept this outcome.
You never knew what kind of damage you inflicted on me.
Circumstances made it difficult for us to ever maintain a relationship.
I never confronted you about how much you hurt me.

How much I was suffering because of you.
How many times you ripped my heart apart.
How many times I had to patch it up, just so you could tear it again.
You today, probably still are ignorant about it.
But, that's fine I accept it, that is what made me into the person I am today.

It would break me to ever see you sad.
I do not want to see you disappointed.
I would hate that even more, I would rather be silent than for you to ever know.
You have to stay the way you are.
And I know it wouldn't change anything.
The cold reality is our relationship is not salvageable.
And never will be.
I cannot get what I need from you.
You never gave me what I needed.
You never got to know me.
Still, I forgive you for everything you've done.
We cannot change what has already happened.
Even if we could go back in time and change, I would not want it.
Because I'm proud of the person I am today.

All I want and need from you, Is that you stay healthy and happy.
And for you to think that you were a good mom.

I want to forever maintain the image of you being happy and a proud mom.
For that, please remain oblivious.
That is good enough for me.
However, one of my biggest wishes in my life. 
I really wanted to utter these words.
Mother, I love you.
Sadly, it is just another wish of mine.
My big brother, If you happen to read this, please take care of her when she gets older.
I know you told me this, still I want to remind you.
Despite how she treated us.
And will continue treating us.
And how hopeless it is.
She is still our mother.
She still took care of us when we were young and raised us.
Now it's our turn to help her.
I will not be around when she gets older.
I know she's very lonely lately, the least we can do is help her when she really needs it.
You're the only one she has left.
I know you will do a good job.
That duty, I leave that to you.
Thank you for being an amazing son.
Thank you for being better than me.

I'm proud of you, brother.

Thank you for everything.
We never truly got along.
But I know we could.
We were afraid.
That we let time pass.
Far too long.
I know we could connect and bond like real brothers.
But we gave it a try way too late.
What a shame.
I know you will always have my back.
Thank you.
I wish you happiness.
Patch up your old wounds, don't let it affect your future.
Find your way.
You are amazing.
You are strong.
Knowing you, you will be a great father.
I'm proud to have you as my older brother.
I hope you live a long and fulfilling life, blessed with happiness.
You deserve it.

It's time to stop writing now, these will be my final words, final feelings, I really wanted to take this with me to the grave. But that means I would still have something left in me, that goes against what this is all about. Oh well, here it goes.

I never experienced family love.
I never really had a ''family''.
That is one of the reasons I hate Christmas.
Witnessing how a family should be, something I will not have or never had.
You can technically call me an ''orphan''.
They are alive, they exist.
But, were never in my life.
Never a part of it.
I never felt loved, nor do I love them.
I never had any real support.
I had to learn everything by myself.
I had to tackle everything alone.
There was no one to guide me.
There was no one I could rely on.
I had to grow up on my own.
If I fell, I had to pick myself up again.
That is still fine, I don't mind.
I accept it.

However, Mother is something I cannot ignore nor accept.
A mother's comfort.
A mother's care.
A mother's love.
A mother's warmth.
Something I never got to feel nor experience throughout my life.
While seeing it happen for others.
Is something I wish I could feel just once, just a little bit of it would do.
The fact that their kids sometimes doesn't appreciate it, saddens me. 
Because they take it for granted. 
You never know what you have.
Until you lose it.
By then, it's too late.

A part of me screams:
Please embrace me.
Please give me warmth.
Please give me a hug.
Please love me.
Please be the person I love and can trust.
Please support me.
Please guide me.
Please be my happiness.

Please be my mother.

Ah how embarrassing~
Oh well it is what it is.
I would be satisfied, if I could just experience a little bit of what a ''Mother'' feels like.
Nothing I can do about it though.
Maybe next life if it exists.
Please do me a favor.
Please don't pity me, I don't want it nor do I need it.
I do not want to be pitied, I despise that.
That is something I really hate.
And is not why I shared this.
However, if you must pity, then you can pity my younger self.
I am completely fine with you pitying when I was a child.
After all, even I pity him.
If you happen to think I'm insane or have completely lost it.
That is fine too, I myself know I'm sane, I myself know that this is what I felt and what I think. I was healthy, rational and reasonable.
You should stop reading here. 
What is next is what I consider as ''dark''.
It might challenge your thinking and thoughts.
If you reflect and think a lot, it might affect you more. 
Which you do not need or have any use for.
Neither should you spend time thinking on it.
Too much thinking and knowledge can be harmful.
This is what fueled me, why I'm committed to an ending.
The reason why I will always revolt against the rules of life. 
Why I never could be ''alive'' nor feel any sense of belonging.
So, this is just a warning and a heads up.
It is something deep inside us we all know about, but refuse to acknowledge.
It is the ugly truth, which we don't want to accept or hear about.
It is something we must ignore, to be alive and keep life going.
We experience it many times and it will continue to happen.
It is something that must be buried, never to be brought up.
The more ignorant you are about it, the happier you will be.
The more you refuse it, the more you can enjoy life and can truly be happy.
However, if you think it won't affect you or change anything.
Go ahead and read it.
If it does affect you, you might not be able to live your life to the fullest.
So really consider it.
If you were feeling suicidal and reading everything didn't change anything.
What you read next might be your last straw.
So, stop here. Carefully consider what is holding you back in this world.
I'm not joking that it really can be your last straw, at least it definitely won't make you feel better.
The second part contains what you're curious about.
The first part is for people who might be parents or the ''weight'' of having a kid.
If you want to have kids, this might change your perspective about it.
I never really thought about it seriously, but now that I am facing death.
This has completely changed. 
It completely shattered my view.
I would never ever, even have the thoughts of having kids.
This first part, I will absolutely never ever read given the choice, if I were to keep on living and wanted kids of my own.
There is no way I can ever have kids knowing this.

I could never commit such an act towards a person I will love and care about.
Knowing too much is harmful.
If you consider yourself as not a selfish person,

Or you are completely against cheating, that you yourself know you will never be able to do towards a person you really care and love. 
This goes way beyond that, cheating is a complete joke compared to that.
Fucking skip it seriously.

.                                                                               Legacy

Have you ever thought about why we humans really produce offsprings?
It is so we don't go extinct, so we as a race can continue on.
It is because we want our race to be remembered, so we can continue on forever.
I will play the devil's advocate here.

Do you know the reason why you truly want to have kids?
I think it's because you want to be remembered, when your life extinguishes.
There will be a ''part'' of you still left behind. 
You left your ''mark'' upon the world.
You reproduce, to leave behind a legacy.
I think that is what really drives it, the reason why you can commit such an act.
You selfishly force life upon your kids, despite knowing how cruel the world can truly be.
Out of your own selfish desire, so you can be proud that you are raising a person. 
Your kids were not given a choice.
They have no other choice than to make the best out of it, despite not wanting to.
[But, having a kid will make me truly happy/ that will be my source of happiness]
Yes that is the definition of selfishness, you are thinking about yourself.
Do you truly understand the responsibilities of what it means to give life? 
Do you truly understand how selfish this action is?
[That depends on how you raise your kid]
Alright, theoretically. Let's call our kid for X for now, that will make it easier.
Let's say that your X, becomes the most successful person. 
Rich,fame,famous whatever you name it.
Beneficial to the world, truly kindhearted, only gives ''good'', saves people, is a complete saint.
Then you as a parent feel nice, because you created something ''good'' so you can now be proud parent. 
Especially when X is so nice and is only positive to the world.
However, can you truly guarantee that X will truly be happy?
You the one that gave X life. 
Can you truly guarantee that X will not have regrets about being born. 
And that X is thankful for being given a shot at life.
That X led a happy life, and couldn't ask for more?
That X was never miserable.
That X will not face difficulties that will tear him apart?
That X at the end wish he was never born.
Knowing whatever accomplishment or successful X makes in life.
In the end, it will all fade into dust. 
Nothing he ever did matters, nothing he ever did has any meaning.
He is absolutely terrified and fears his ending.
But, we all know one day X has to face death by himself.
Bear in mind, we didn't even talk about what if X drew the short stick of life.
Knowing that X will be one of the most important person for you and that you will love X with all your heart?
Knowing that, you are the one making X go through this. 
X were never given a choice, it was forced upon.
Will you truly let someone you truly care and love go through this?
Can you truly commit such an selfish act?
Can you truly bear this responsibility? 
Ask yourself have you ever thought I wish I wasn't born?
Ask yourself if you were given a choice to not exist or exist.
What would you choose?
Basically when you go to sleep and you sometimes wish you never woke up.
Yet you are now forcefully waking someone up, when that sleep could've just continued forever without knowing anything. 

You may not understand, as you are not at death's door yet.
I find it funny when people tell me they aren't afraid of death. 
How do you know if you're not afraid of death or not? You're still alive and walking on earth.
Death is absolutely terrifying, it's not just yes everything has an end, we will all die one day.
Talking about it is easy, when it actually happens and you experience it, is another matter.
You will know what I mean when you have to face your ending despite not wanting to. 
It's not something I would ever want to put my kid through.
This is something I cannot explain nor you can relate.
To be this selfish is really something.
Parents that love and care about their children, would never ever put their kids through this.
Thank god we are oblivious and ignorant about it, else our population would diminish by a lot.

Growing up, having kids of your own, starting a family.
Funny how I went from thinking how I want minimum 3 kids. 
I never thought anything about it, it is so ''normal'' that I didn't think too much about it.
There is not a single chance of that happening now.
I couldn't feel the ''weight'' behind it.
3 kids, what a joke.
I will never have kids.
I will never let my own kids experience ''death''.
Imagine one of these feelings.
Depression, pain, suffering, heartbroken, hopeless and sad. 
If you still need more examples then:
One of your best friends stabs you in the back, completely betrays your trust. 
Someone that you've been with for 10 years that you loved with all your heart and gave everything. 
But, was cheating on you the entire time, or never really cared/loved you.
Simply the time where you were a complete wreck, someone that broke your heart, what hurt you the most, what gave you the most painful memory in life, or your loved ones/parents passing away.
All of that becomes a total joke in front of ''death''.
That is the best I can explain.

                                                                    Ugly Truth
Some might think I was lonely, no if it was that simple I would keep my life.
Loneliness is temporary.
I know I would be able to find someone to share my life with.
However that is not the case.
Neither me being an ''orphan''.
Nor me ever knowing what a Mother was.
Nor me ever having a family.

You might find this mind-baffling nor understand the thoughts behind it. 
The reason why I go against my actual existence, against my very being. 
Why I deny what you call life. 
Why I deny this world. 
Why I will always defy what you call living. 
What drives my conviction to end everything. 
The fact that I was born as a human.
The race called human itself. 
The ugly nature of humans. 
We are egocentric creatures. 
Our selfishness has no boundaries. 
Bitter, envy, jealousy, greed, lust, pride, power, pettiness, entitlement, deceitful, apathy, lack of empathy, self-centered, dishonesty, aggressive, violence, anger, rage and hate.
Is all traits that humans possess and will manifest. 
Some have emotions under control, while some do not.  
How many times have you been disappointed by this?
How many times haven't you been unreasonably lashed out at?
How many times have you, yourself lost control? 
Knowing it’s wrong, knowing this isn’t what I wanna say, yet you cannot stop, you keep lashing out.
How many times you thought you knew the person you hold dear and that you really knew the person, yet they proved you wrong.
How many times did you get backstabbed?
That is just us being humans and feelings taking over.
Give an inch and they will take a mile.
We are reasonably, yet unreasonable. 
We are pure, yet filthy.
We are kind, yet so cruel. 
We are loving, yet so heartless. 
We are strong-willed, yet lost.
We are intelligent, yet fear what we don’t understand. 
We always try to seek answers, because we fear the unknown. 
We feel threatened by the unknown, because we do not understand it.
We are important, yet unimportant. 
We want to matter, yet in the end we are so insignificant. 
Struggle of existence, yet so meaningless.
We are nothing but specks of dust in this universe.
We are free, yet we are held as hostages.
What a shit hole we live in.
We are truly pitiful.
Still, I accept this.
Our world can be beautiful and life can be worth living, it is just how you, yourself choose to live.
However, I just want no part of it.
I simply wish to ''observe'' and watch from far away.
I'm an ''observer'' and that is what I want.
[It is still wrong and selfish to put an ending]
Why is it ''wrong''?
Just because society told you to live and taught you what is ''normal''. 
That means I also have to selfishly accept that?
So, it's okay for you to force your ideals into mine. 
Yet my ideal and what I see, you simply throw out the window? 
You will only accept your own opinions and only your thinking.
Thinking you are way better than me and way more special?
Or that my thinking/thoughts is ''wrong?''
If you truly think this, you are the definition of egoism and ignorant.
You do not accept that there is a different human being, with different thoughts.
We are different, we do not have the same ideas nor brain.
I will never force my ideals into you, I accept and respect what you think, you have your own reality and I have mine. 
We are all unique and different human beings with different minds.
You are not me, I am not you.

Of course as long as it's within reason.
No matter how different, no matter how unique you are, taking another life is never acceptable, nor is ruining their life, that is not something you decide, it is their life, their decision what to do with it. 
You can never be more selfish and cruel than that.
Even if humans are cruel to you.
Even if the society are cruel to you.
Even if life is cruel to you.

Even if you are terribly wronged.
Even if you want them to understand the pain and anger that you are feeling.
Even if they don't know your story or what you go through.
Do not pin the blame, accept it as it is.
Suck it up and do not become worse than them.
You are better than them.
Do not become clouded in pain and despair.


  1. press f to pay respects i hope it isnt for real

  2. I am so sorry. I think I made the best I could do, I read all of these. I am so sorry. I will not forget about you. I will not forget about him. You will live with me. I don't know you even a bit. You will live with me.


  3. I beg you, don't do this.
    my english is not very good but please try to understand.
    i met you in 2017 because you play in tcl.
    i don't know you i'm not your friend.
    Yes you are right. only you can handle this situation.
    But there 's just something I want you to know.
    even if we didn't choose to wake up,
    was given to us to choose to live so this is a gift.
    I know you didn't ask for this gift because I did read.
    Everybody says something about why this gift is given to you, but only you can discover it.

    I don't wanna say fancy words and be a stupid hero, just don't go.

  4. This guy seemed like a pretty cool guy it's unfortunate his life turned out the way it did otherwise I believe he could have done great on this world given the philoshopy in his final paragraph aside from the end it all part

  5. Hey, you said you were curious to hear our opinion about what you wrote but that you would never be able to. Well I'm glad to hear you may have survived, so if you ever read this, please context me on reddit /u/xolam. I am not going to tell you that things will get better, but my whole life I've asked myself what life is and I also came to the conclusion that it is useless and has no fkn purpose. However I want to live the longest I can and I think that you're wrong on some parts. PLEASE contact me, not because I want to say you're wrong but because I'd love to talk to someone like you that's asking himself those kind of questions. if you see this in 2,3,4 years doesn't matter, please contact me because I know that I will be the same until the end of my life.

  6. Kenneth Dawnix here sadly, life was playing a joke on me so I ended up surviving the first attempt


      If you want to discuss I greatly welcome you

  7. I had a hard time reading the text. His thoughts hurt because they are very comprehensible. I feel even worse for the relatives for whom this text must come from nowhere.

    I just wrote an incredibly long text because I felt bad and somehow responsible when I read the text (I don't know why). However, it is inappropriate to share my thoughts here and I feel like it would be disrespecting towards him. Nevertheless here a small part that I have to get rid of. I think some people come to the same point as him. Only he perceives things differently. He has been dealing with issues that others don't really think about all their lives very early on. And above all alone. I don't think that's a subject we are meant to think about. It's too much for one person. If there is a God, it has sinned against all of us by leaving us alone asking and in fear, too much responsibility and above all disgust.

    My condolences for him and all his beloved.

  8. Damn. While I don't completely agree with everything he said, there is a lot in here that strongly relates to many of my thoughts and feelings about life. I'm not sure how to feel about this or what outcome to hope for for him.

  9. People who want to kill themselves and fail really just aren't really trying to kill themselves. I mean in America we have guns which is nearly 100% successful. But everyone everywhere has access to heights(to jump), rope(to hang), water(to drown). It's simply a matter of conviction. I'm not saying this to encourage suicide. I'm just saying that if you aren't 100% serious about doing it then don't do it.

    If you use pills then you're more likely to survive than to die. If you drink chemicals you're likely to survive and ruin your body for the future. Cutting is kind of a 50/50 thing and really why? Just do one of the sure fire methods thats less messy. I'm not going to judge people for wanted to kill themselves. It's your life you can make that decision for yourself. But at least be sure about it. And if you're not going to do a high success method then really just ask someone for help.

    Depression sucks.

    1. "People who want to kill themselves and fail really just aren't really trying to kill themselves."

      Sorry, but that is just straight up wrong and pretty ignorant. Just bcs you want do die (or to not live anymore, which seems to be the case way more often) does not mean, that you are willing to accept any amount of pain. This probably is a pretty irrational thought, but i dont think thats the point. I believe most people who try pills/cutting/.. know pretty well about the lower success rate, but can not overcome their fear of pain (which is a pretty human trait). I do not think this means that you are less sure or anything, its simply a hint that your pain is not (yet) as bad, as the one you percieve to experience when using one of the "safer" methods

    2. You are pretty disgusting for saying that. But guess he wanted it enough, hope you are happy now.

  10. This was a very relatable read and I'm now questioning everything around me...

  11. I see that you are alive and recovering. I'm honestly glad it is that way. I read the whole text and it is truly.. gruesome but.. sometimes I'm in moods when I can totally relate to you. If you ever want to talk, reach out, leave a comment here and I'll leave you platforms! Or any of you, who are in need of someone! Wish you all the best, there is a reason for you being still alive.

  12. I understand you. I feel the same. I am thankful to you for all your insights in this post that I had never considered. I dont see this as sad. I hope you lived your best life and that the afterlife is what you hope for it to be. Thank you for your story and thank you for helping me understand myself and for helping everyone who reads this understand why you felt and did what you did. Rest peacefully

  13. Dunno if you'll ever read this, but I wanted to at least respond briefly. I'm glad to hear you survived the attempt. But I noticed you called it your "first attempt" which makes me think you're going to try again.

    Before you do, I hope you'll consider whether you may have missed a few things. I don't really disagree with anything you've written above - obviously not the parts that are just your experience, but also the parts that are your perspective on the nature of reality/human nature. You've got a lot of insight into how things are.

    But I think you're missing some things. You're looking at this world as if that's all there is - as if we have to find our purpose within this little box of reality. You can't find it there, as you've discovered. If our reality is all there is, then life pretty much is pointless, only worth living if you decide you'd like to keep on keeping on.

    But that's not all there is. There's a reality beyond ours that puts this world into perspective, that gives our lives meaning and purpose far beyond anything we can give to ourselves.

    I haven't been through what you've been through. But I know a Savior who does understand, and who loves you more than you can imagine. Jesus has answers, and he's big enough to handle your questions, your anger, your doubts, whatever you might have for him.

    Still with me? Probably not, but maybe. Got a Bible nearby? If not, check out the Logos app on your phone, or go to Both are free. Check out the book of Ecclesiastes, in the Old Testament. It's written by Solomon, said to be the wisest man who ever lived. Basically, he was the king of the world, with resources to do whatever he wanted, and the wisdom to see through the masks. At the end of his life, he wrote down his reflections - and that's Ecclesiastes.

    As I was reading your post, I couldn't help but think of Solomon's book - the two are remarkably similar in many ways. He discovers basically the same things you have - "Vanity, vanity, all is vanity" is his repeated refrain. Nothing has meaning, everything is pointless, you can work or fool around or whatever, doesn't matter, everybody dies, so just do whatever you want.

    But throughout the book, he pushes past that perspective to a deeper truth - same as I'm challenging you to do. He realizes there's two ways to look at the world. The first is his "everything is meaningless" perspective, which he calls "under the sun." But the other perspective includes God. And that changes everything. With God in the picture, everything that seems meaningless "under the sun" is suddenly infused with meaning. With purpose.

    Still with me? I'm impressed. Check out the book of John next. It's the fourth book of the New Testament, one of the Gospels. It's a record of Jesus' life and ministry; but unlike the other accounts, it's a pretty cerebral and philosophical take on what happened. In the book of John, there's another bold claim - the God who created everything, loves you enough to face the very same thing that you're facing now. Death. But he faced it not as an unknown, but with full knowledge of the terror it held. Not only did he endure death - even death on a cross - but he conquered it. He did that to save you. And me. And everyone else.

    There's more to the story than just those things. Christianity is the only worldview/faith system I've found that gives satisfactory answers (on both an intellectual and spiritual level) to the questions our world poses - many of which you posed in your blog above. Obviously, there's a lot of people who don't really agree with that statement. But I hope you'll at least give it a chance.

    I don't know you, but I love you. God loves you, too. I'm praying for you right now. I hope you'll rethink your decision, and give this a chance.

    1. As a fellow Christian, thank you for posting this. Amazingly, 10 years ago I did exactly what you suggested. The first book of the Bible I read was Ecclesiastes. Then the gospel of John. I started going to a good church where the pastor explained the Bible and I realised Jesus Christ was a real human who really came to save humanity. It's quite amazing that someone is out there giving hope to another with this same message and I thank you for that. I hope you read this K0e

  14. I recommend you 'The Power of Now'.

    The book tells that...

    "The ugly nature of humans.
    We are egocentric creatures.
    Our selfishness has no boundaries. "

    ... this is not our nature, but something we learn after birth and how to get rid of it.

  15. I can relate to this post so much.
    I read all of it. I can't believe how similar we are. It's like you stole my thoughts and posted it as a blog.

    I wish you the very best (whether in this world or in the after world).

  16. I can relate to this post so much.
    I read all of it. I can't believe how similar we are. It's like you stole most of my thoughts and posted it as a blog.

    I wish you the very best (whether in this world or in the after world).

  17. Note, that I did not read your post.

    If the premise of this logic is essentially that life is indeed meaningless, that life and existence in itself is cruel, then why does your kind especially always seek to share their thoughts with others. You preach that life does not really matter, but you wish to infect others with your reason. Your legacy are your thoughts that you leave intentionally behind, because you in fact do care. Others evidently matter to you to some extent and you wish to justify yourself. If life is meaningless, then suffering and being scared is too. You want to convince others, because you are insecure about your own conclusions. All you really want, deep down, is someone to take you by the hand and show you the light in the darkest night.

  18. I know you're doing okay right now. And I hope you're reading these comments of the people trying to reach out to you. I have thought about everything you have, except I always take the positive out of and not the negative. I think you should forget everything that makes you want to end your life, don't let other external entities dictate the outcome of your demise.
    You say you shouldn't let depression win but killing yourself is not making anybody lose except for you, that is not winning anything, that it losing to depression or whatever it is you're going through. Everything is a healing process, everything heals overtime because that's how life is supposed to be; blissful.
    If there's a hobby you need to keep you occupied, maybe connect with your older brother to get you out and do something you genuinely enjoy!
    But please don't end it all, that is not the answer. Life is easy yet hard and difficult at the same time, for everybody.
    Don't let other people and society and the world be the reason for taking your life, ignore those misfortunes and do what you love to live on, that is all you need, self care and self love.
    Try not to think sooo much into everything you do. Our purpose and meaningfulness lies within us, not as a human species, so my personal purpose, is to help those when they need help the most. That is all I need to keep going. I live, laugh, and love, all with and by myself.
    If your purpose is to play a video game for instance, then don't let that affect you and accept it.
    The world will not be the same without you because you're amazingly unique and now the world is missing something it once had and will never get back.

  19. hello, i am arriving to this post with the knowledge that you are alive and recovering. first of all, i definitely come off as a fangirl but you are really quite cute XD it surprised me reading your post because many people share your feelings that life has no meaning and a person should have the right to end it. however, usually these sentiments are censored online and publicly under threat of the user being institutionalized, without resolution of the underlying societal issues. as for myself, i have struggled with suicidal thoughts and hospitalization in the past. i will not say i've overcome these thoughts, but i've learned to deal with my condition. people like us do not mix easily with others. sometimes we just want to be alone. i also can't comment on the ethics of suicidality, but I will say that it's tragic, because every life ended is a wasted opportunity. imagine all the experiences you will never have, the people you will never meet. i have felt in the past that my life was full of disappointment. i didn't want to live because of all the mistakes i thought i had made. truthfully, my largest mistake would be to stop existing altogether, without even trying to see my possible future. i still don't know what i want out of life but i know that i'm not quitting yet. also, neither therapy, medication, or distraction techniques helped me to reach this conclusion. only you can decide who you are and whether you want to live or just keep surviving. good luck.

  20. I still cannot believe after my first attempt or my 2nd or 3rd....and am almost 30 ...still cannot understand why i am standing alive...still cannot believe what is happening...still believe that i died at my first attempt and now i live in hell...but i open my eyes and dream that am in heaven...i understand that i am still around to smile and make others feel easy ...we need to reach out but its hard alone

  21. I still cannot reach out....and am almost 30 ...still cannot understand why i am standing alive...still cannot believe what is happening...still believe that i died at my first attempt and now i live in hell...but i open my eyes and dream that am in heaven...people tend to judge and hide themselves behind the masks...

  22. It's selfish to say, but I'm glad you failed on your attempt and I hope you don't try again. Yet, It's your decisions and you know what is best for you, you're aware that have people who care and people who can relate with your thoughts and how you see the world, myself included.
    Honestly I've always felt different since I was a kid, I always knew that my life would be short and it would end by my own hands and you literally said that was the same for you. I can relate in most of what I read and I just can't stop crying, because different of you, I yet hadn't decide to face my reality as it is. I knew it was there, I've always knew it was there, I just choose to ignore and occupy my mind with gaming with friends, chatting or simply acting as the happy or stupid funny girl, so people wouldn't bother with how I feel or feel bad for something they can't change.
    I don't have that much words to say to you, I'm sorry for that. You're a excelent writer. If you stick around in this world for a few more time I would love to talk to someone that sees the world as similar as me.

    1. Send me a dm on IG
      We do share the same thoughts and it’s tough knowing that, so would be great to talk about it

  23. If you ever read this, please try to write storys, i think thats your thing. your "purpose"

  24. Wow, you've put quite an effort even towards 'the end'. Not sure if I should be glad that you survived or feel sorry that you didn't succeed. Maybe both? Unlike you I'm too freaking lazy to bother anymore. I do agree with not having kids but not because of your reasons - I simply wouldn't give 2f about them. Like most of the things in this world, children are to tiresome to deal with.

    As for this text I was also (over)analyzing life and it's meaning until I stopped. Too dull you get nothing out of it but emptiness inside. Same with depression. I'm 31 now and I've lost like 10 years (between 15 and 25) telling myself I'm sad, life is shit and no one understands me. I even enrolled on teraphy (bunch of total bs) and started taking pills (nom nom, perfect solusion to everything in this age). Most dumb dumb period I went through growing up. You turn on autopilot and 'fake it till you make it' right? Back in a day you'd be my "hero" or "role model" for being 'brave' and saying 'ugly truth'.

    So for quite a while I was in similar spot you are stuck in but in time (cause you're only 22yo) you might learn all this pain and suffering is only in your head. You can quiet it down cause well it's your mind. It's not tested and it might not be universal advice tho :) I stopped giving value to things I'm not interested with. It's not like you're waking up every day and 1st sensation is feeling the pain of existence destroing your nerve system (I usually am thirtsy, hungry and have to piss). When your hand was broken, you open your eyes and realize that painkillers stopped working - now that's pain alright.

    Anyways what I originally wanted to ask is do you have MAL or other anime account? That's mine

    Oh, and if you're still feeling suicidal and gonna try again I strongly recommend (to read if you haven't) waiting at least till Solo Leveling manhwa is over. LN was not enough for me and I want the visuals :)

    1. Well, he has passed.

      Your comment and his internal monologue has a much different feel to it after the fact.

  25. Despite everything, living is the best option. I wish you hadn't done that. We'll die anyway, no need to rush. Let's enjoy and worship while living. because our return is only to him.
    I was very sorry. :(

  26. rip, i relate to pretty much everything you've said. thank you for helping me realize.

  27. i read everything and i don't know you. RIP

  28. Goodbye and rest well :(

    "Loneliness is temporary."

    For some, it becomes a way of life, once you start sinking deep in it, there is no coming back.

  29. Sorry we couldn't help you. I'm so sorry we didn't do anything... RIP Kenneth <3 hope you are free now.

  30. Can relate to this. At this point I simply want to wish that you are happy up there and is in a better place. Thank you for putting time to write this. I don't want to say I could have helped you, because that would have being fake. I know some of your friends in the competitive scene and talk to them sometimes in solo queue. Never knew who you are, and never would have probably too. Rest easy man.

  31. Thank you, I'm sorry for everything you had to shoulder, and I hope you find what it was you were looking for.

    I didn't know you, but your words reached my soul. You made a difference. You mattered.

    Farewell, k0u.

  32. This is his brother. I always recall, but didn't realize what he really meant at that point, when I got the text message.

    I came home, wondered why he forgot to lock the door, so I texted him and I asked, "Hey, you forgot to lock the door".

    Kenneth: "Yeah I forgot"
    Me: Will you be away for a long time? (note I am talking in norwegian, I tried my best to translate, but it's the gist of the meaning"
    Kenneth: "Yeah."

    Thinking that he is on party with his friend, and are in good company so he is in a nach like what normal people are. Note I left home for work at 19.00 saturday, and came home sunday 05.00. So I concluded that he has been away from home at some point around 20-22.

    I only found out after that my father been checking out at 03.00 and he was still at home, this I found out later, and too late..

    So I said next: Are you in a party?

    Kenneth: "Yeah nach."

    So what happened after I texting him 3-6 messages, which he didn't read on fb. I thought, okay maybe he slept now, at his friends place at the nach, which is normal.

    So I was still awake, not once did it enter my thoughts that he was going to do it again. So we skip the time to sunday 10-11. I am still awake during the whole time. I called him, he didn't take the phone. I was thinking, maybe he is still sleeping. Which is also normal because we both tend to sleep till 12-18.

    My dad called me around 11-12 to ask me if my little brother is home yet. I said no. During this event, I still didn't know that my father saw him around 03.00 clock at my place at home.

    Still clinging on that he is in nach, and still sleeping that everything is normal, my mother came over around 14-16, and also asked the same question. I said the same thing, no he isn't home yet. I have been calling him also around 13-15. Still thinking he is on nach and isn't awake yet.

    Usually what happens is he picks up the phone when somebody calls him, and if he doesn't he will call up again. Which makes me believe that he is sleeping.

    to be continued due to maximum words.

  33. I went to sleep sunday 22-01. I don't clearly remember the specific time. What I do remember clearly is that my behaviour, during the moment I came home sunday 05.00. I was so abnormal, so freaking abnormal like there was something preventing me from doing anything at all. I never once left my freaking chair, which I sat on the computer. This is very oddly and wrong behaviour, because I have grown tired of gaming. I usually only reads wuxia novels now. Been doing that for the last 4 years.

    Not once, did any danger signal enter my brain, even my body was odd. I never left the door, as like I said. I felt something preventing me, even the thoughts of leaving home never once crossed my mind. I was rooted at the chair.

    When I slept and woke up around monday 03-04. I was in the most oddliest condition that I ever been. I analyzed my previous day, and found every godamn single thing was so bizarre. So I texted his friends, and asked them if they have seen or been with him. This I had to wait for 09-11.

    Found out nobody been seeing him, got a text message from one of his best friends, where I told her, my last text.

    Then she said: " He hasn't been drinking or touching the alcohol for the last half year".

    Something in me broke... I went to his blog, saw an update, which wasn't there before I cracked... I called the cops, went over the information, and all the others was just procedure.

    Not gonna go into details what happened with the procedures and stuff afterwards. Because that doesn't matter or is important anymore..

    What I want to tell and give a message out there is, whoever struggles with depression, or have it really rough. DON'T even try to end your life, as that is the only way you see, and that is the only option. Don't paint the life as Black and White. And life is just like that, or even think that just all life has to offer.
    Don't give me that (what is he talking about? does he have any idea what I have been going through? do you even understand me? tell me that after you have gone through what I have)

    Don't think that I don't have any gist or idea about what you guys gonna deal or go through. Because I also attempted to take my own life, I failed. That story I never told anyone. I was 21-22 years. During that moment, something happened when I was confronted with death. People talk about death as it is something normal topic, BUT when the moment and you are confronted with death. With the razor in my hand.. I was terrified, I was so freaking terrified that it scared the shit out of me. Something did happen, something died in me that day, BUT that doesn't have to be YOU. In the moment when you attempt it, you see your life flash, and you try all your best to cling to even a tiny bit of hope, that there is something out there in this life, or that something out there in life that is worth the offer or that is worth living for. During that moment is the darkest moment you ever have, so whatever lights or whatever light thoughts you have, you will be drawn by it, even a tiny bit. I guess my dear brother never saw that light..

    still to be continued..

    1. I was still in denial, and didn't do anything about it before 16-18 on monday. Part of me was clinging on the hope that he will come home eventually

  34. After the failed attempt, I got so much life in me, that I never did it again. Nor did it cross my thoughts to do the attempt anymore. Ocassionally those thoughts enter my head once in a while, later afterwards in my life. I acknowledge it, but I just don't give it power nor get consumed by it. I just know sometimes I get those thoughts, but that is also when life is going bad. That those thoughts enter. When your life is good, it never crosses your mind. What I do want to tell you guys out there, life is harsh and rough. Yes you guys totally get what I am saying. But don't paint it in black and white and that's just that's it life all has to offer. Life is MUCH much more complex than that. If you are struggling during you darkest moment, and have read my post. Then don't even think about attempting it. Let the thoughts be inside your head. Just know that it is there, confront it. You know why you have those thoughts, and where it stems from. You know the sole reason and you even know where it is coming from. Confront it, and if you don't really know.. Think carefully enough, then you will see the problem. Still in denial? well that is also fine too... you choose the easy outcome. It is also fine, but it's only a temporary solution. It will hit you back again in life, when your life is not going good.

    To this day, it pops into my head sometimes as well. I even have the plan ready and what I will do. Don't believe me? I will do it by Anesthesia method, and have all my organs donored to whoever are in needs of them. That is my method and my thoughts. I have them in my head, but remember having the thoughts and pulling the action are 2 complete different thing. Just know that you have those thoughts, acknowledge it that life is really rough and hard. Confront it. It is a part of you. There IS a reason why you have those thoughts, and where it is coming from. If you are struggling, and have hard time overcoming it, then there is 2 environment you will be in, when going through those experience, alone or you are companies. I went through all those things alone, when I had it bad and rough, I don't like to be bothered.I handled it alone. I didn't want people or those closes to me know I struggle. The moment I did that, I knew I was admitting that I had problems. I feel ashamed, I didn't want to give the luxury that I could have some positive things or good things could happen to my body. I believe during those moments, some people will have it best with companies, and some people like to tackle and handle the problem alone. I belong to the latter. I went through it alone, never shared or told anyone, or even spoke about it. This is also where me and my little brother are the same. We chose to handle it and tackle it alone, during that process. It can get really tough and can even break you. but you still hang on, and struggle. I guess the pressure got the better of him. Never once did he come to me and seek help, that pride and the unwilligness to show or tell me that he needed help. He never wanted to show me that part, I guess he wanted to tell me he was ok and fine, even though he struggled.. he cared more about not letting me know. His way of saying " I am going through some bad stuff, but I got this. You don't have to worry ".

    You got that right, I don't have to worry anymore.

    last part after this

  35. Maybe I am being selfish here, or whatever justifying reasons, or why am I even writing this comment to all your stranger? I just want to let you guys know that, it is really hard and tough for those that are close and living. When you decide to take your life. I can only share what happens with those that are left still living. I am in a mess. I am broken. The only thing that is keeping the life joyable and thing going on and that life is a bit enjoyable is my wife. I don't want to put her through those experience that I am having now.

    Yes, I am contradicting myself now, when I say don't paint the life black/white and things are just doom and gloom like that. I know, I also give it my best and not let those darkness consume or have the best out of me. If I try and do it, so should you. Life is much more complex than that. Don't take the easy way out, and cook up any excuses that gives you a justifying result of going through that course. It takes more courage to still live on. It takes more energy. It takes more struggle. You might even question yourself, is it worth it?

    I don't know the answer, I do not. But I am hanging on, why can't you? So when the time get tough and really hard. I suggest that you confront it, and seek professional help. I am giving it a try as well. I have a meeting today, to talk to somebody professional, and who deals with this kind of stuff.

    Still want to end your life after all this? Alright, that is fine too. It's ok to be stubborn.

    Let's talk about something, or an idea or belief that many people may not know, or are aware about.

    Me and my family, are religous. My sister is a nun. So a huge part of my childhood, I spent alot of time in the temple. We practice the buddhism way. My aunt and uncle which I dearly love and are fond about also pratice buddhism. So I got alot from them during my childhood till now. Notice I don't talk about my mom. She does pratice buddhism as well, but I don't want to mention her. And yes I don't want to talk about that either. But that another topic for another time. Nor my father. let's not stray from this.

    So my background is buddhism, I even praticed it alot during my childhood. I even liked it, so much that all the monks saw the potential, that if I one day decided to be a monk. I would be amazing in it and practice the buddhism way well. Well sorry I don't want to be a monk. You have to live like a hermit, and I don't want to be in any part of that :) Luckily buddhism is very flexible, and you can still pratice the way, without fully commiting yourself or have to be a monk. That path is for those who are destined and have fate with it.

    I swear this is the last part, after this

  36. Here is the thing with buddhism and it's teaching. Do you know what is one of the heaviest and deadliest sin in this life is? according to buddhism teaching. One of those sin is, yes you got it correct. Is in fact taking your own life. Why is it considered that in the buddhism way?

    Well those that know buddhism believe in reincarnation and karma and those things right? Here is the thing, It takes ALOT of karmic virtue from your past life, to let you be reborn as a human being. Believe it or not, but that's according to the buddhism teachings. You have to accumalate alot, and alot of lives to get or even have a chance to be reborn as a human being.

    Hence why it is one of the deadliest and heavy sin, is taking your own life. Why? You are directly cutting of your karmic virtue and life that you are still having. You end abruptly, you choose to end those karmic relationship and everything that life has in store for you. By doing that, what happens is after you end up taking your life. You will not get into the samsara circle again. The samsara laws will reject your soul, hence you will not be able to go into the samsara circle and have an opportunity to be reborn. Death should occur as peaceful as possible, and it's nature taking it course. By preventing that, you are also preventing yourself not get into the circle of samsara. Ending it in such a negative and the feeling is surrounded by negatively things is in fact very bad. I might be wrong, but what I do know is, and is a fact is. My brother took his life away during his broken moments in life, which is in a negatively state.

    Another thing is during your death, your soul will linger for 49 days in this earth. In those 49 days, you will experience and get to observe those around you. If it is true as the teachings says, it means that my little brother have seen how I have been these last couple of days. Also others closes to him. I can almost guarantee he is sad, if he does regret? We don't know. But so far as knowing him. I know and guarantee you that, he is feeling more heartbroken and sad now, and it saddens him more that he can't do anything about it. I am also trying to tell him and show him during these 49 days, that I can do well. I got my haircut yesterday, to tell him that I am taking care of myself. I want you to see I look great, so you know, I am doing well. But I know that process also hurts and saddens him. He definitely don't want be to be like this in any way. I know I try to show him the best side of me.

    Damn the words count maximum is 4096. It really is the last part now!

  37. So I have been reading some mantras lately, and I will continue to do that for these last 49 days, in hope that he can hear some mantras. So his fate and karmic virtue will offset a bit somehow, in hope of that he might get into the samsara.

    But I crack sometimes when I am reading the mantras, because because when I am doing those things so he can hear some mantra and bind his fate to buddhism. He only earns 1/6 of the karmic virtue, while the rest goes to me. That's how the laws works and according to buddhism teachings.

    I so badly want to be the one receiving 1/6 while he get's the 5/6. It really pains and hurts me to think about that he only get so little like that. I so wish I could give him everything as much as possible. After 49 days, his soul will be lost, and whatever fate he has in store, we won't know.

    But that's just the religions side of things, and according to buddhism teachings. We won't know or get the answer, we know those things after we experience death.

    Anyway that is my last 2 cents of the entire thing. So please think twice or even third if you are suffering from depression, and want to end your life? Do that, for me and my little brother. The pain of the living, that you are leaving behind, is really tough. So consider it more and try to see things from another perspective. Find hope that life as more to offer, than just doom and gloom and black and white.

    I will be closing the commentary section soon, not closing the blog. Because I still want to remembrance his things. And also I don't want to come back one day here and take a look, and the commentary section is flooding.

    Should you want to discuss or have any particurlarly question or something, I am reachable by email. I am not a saint or anything at all. So don't despair if it takes too long time for me to respond. I will though promise and take a read and will answer asap.

    Please don't offer me condolences or say sorry or rip. I will only feel the mockery from you, even though the gesture is kind. Maybe you understand me and understand what I am going through, hence you will say I understand what you are going through. But please I just can only see mockery and can't see it in another perspective.

    My dear brother, wherever you are or what adventerous things you have in store. I hope you will find happiness and if fates will it. Let me be your brother again, only this time, let me be the one protecting you. We will truly get along and bond this time.

  38. RIP Dawnix
    I'll never forget your last thoughts.

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  42. I REALLY hope someone takes this shit down. This is what fuels young people to commit suicide.

    He took is own life, ok. I can accept that, but fueling other people like this is disquesting.

    1. I have access and can take it down, just wanted to give them a chance to take it down themselves. if you read further down, I already have a plan in mind for later :)

  43. Thank you for helping me. It really was the “last straw”, and it was refreshing to read your post. I actually remember you serving me at the Roll and Rock Diner in town, you seemed like a cool guy. I’m happy you found peace. I’m finding peace soon too, thanks man. See you soon, maybe 🤙

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  45. I have been trying but don't know how to approach it. I also have the login of my lil Brother but didn't see the option of closing off the section.

    What I feared really happened, that a bunch of insensitve people doing ads or posting shit and making a living of the dead. Well at least that is on their conciousness, and it's a long life. Even now and after

  46. So I just checked, and I can delete those post from my lil brothers, blogpost. Which is nice, if I find any post improper.

    I also have print shooted those comment, and one day these people will get sucessfull or whatever, or get media coverage.

    Well to bad, this action today will come back and haunt you, I will then post this to a media, and say, "well good that you are successful, but do you remember back in the days you made a living out of my lil brother, due to click bait and advertisement. Well fuck you, now you got a scandal over your head, and people will think twice to cooperate with a guy, that goes any length without moral, just for some click-bait and advertisement.

    Have a fucking great christmas and hope everytime you go to bed, that you can sleep comfortable with whatever you did regarding ads post.

  47. Acactus For the past week ,I have been coming to Kenneth's blog and reading it .
    I have lost many friends through suicide , I am lost for words at this time .
    but I do hope those with insensitive / ignorant or bot comments are removed in time.

    1. Sorry to hear that regarding your loss. It will, I am just giving them a chance, to do it by themself. I will sleep now, and remove it once I wake up.

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